The Principled

A man that lives by no rules is most certain to find his time short and sporadic, his friends few, his truths, shaky. — me

The older I get, the more of a stickler for right behavior I become. This little thing called principles and good grammar bug me. *crickets* Where did the good grammar come from? That wasn’t even my subject, but since I promised myself that what landed on the page stays on the page like a trip to Vegas, I can’t very well delete it. Well, I could but then that damned principle would be all up in my face calling me a liar, and I hate to be called a liar. I mean, sometimes I do tell half-truths or fuzzy truths, but lies? Never.

*hold on, something’s stuck in my throat*

Confession: I haven’t always led a stellar life. Matter of fact, there have been times I’ve been so UNstellar that at this point in my life, it was fully expected that I’d be a born-again Christian trying to get right with the Lord while I still got time. It’s only because of principles that I’m not on my knees asking the Lord for forgiveness.

At the same time, these determinants and beacons of discernment dancing around in my head that I’ve labeled principles, have pushed me to examine everything taking place around me. To question my own past, current and future activities. To hold me up for inspection. To hold other people up for inspection. To call myself and others on their bullshit. Let’s say that does not always endear me to others, especially not those with whom I’ve had to cut off for behavior that exceeded the limits of what I was willing to put up with. But, best believe, there will be more. *sharpening knife*

If there was ever anything I would want to impart to my children it is to develop a guiding set of principles and live by them. I’m not saying to be extreme. I’m not saying to be inflexible, if you find they don’t fit the circumstance. I’m definitely not saying to require things of others that you don’t require of yourself. What I am saying is that you should have something that you live by, something you can go back to when you need to make decisions about moving forward or not, something you can use as a comparison when deciding who and what is worth your time—and when “who” or “what” isn’t. Having parameters of operation sets the tone for those people and events you will encounter along the way. Understanding what are violations of these parameters help you feel better about deleting them from the equation, should the need arise, which it sometimes will.

The more people that come into your world, the more likely you are to have to perform side-by-side comparisons of your principles versus their actions. Forget what they say. Know them by their actions. Sad to say, but women must be more cautious of other women, and men must be more cautious of other men. Too often with men, egos are at stake, and when egos are at stake, crazy shit is bound to occur. In the case of women, if it looks like you might be doing better, be mated better, be better, there are those who will do any and everything under the sun to get into your position. Not a position like yours, but YOUR position. Understand?

Many of us, despite the lies we like to tell ourselves, are far from being good people, principled people. We will step on the toes and strangle the necks of those who seek to help us. We will wreck homes. We will lie, cheat, demean and disrespect the people who care about us, who open their hearts, minds and homes to us. Show our asses to them, while smiling at the outside world, pretending to be . . . good.

I’ve had someone come into my home, be treated as family, only to think that she deserved my family, my intimate relations, my listening ear—not a family of her own, not intimate relations of her own, not a listening ear of her own, but mine. This is how sisterhood is defined among too many of us. We’re short on ideas of how to relate, and honesty isn’t one of them.

I’ve known of brothers who drop sweet words here and there to the mates of their friends. Words, that on the surface, would appear as if he’s only appreciating her “queen”hood, but if we were to skim the foam off the top, we’d see him leering there, awaiting his opportunity to pounce or levitate. Whatever it takes so that she’ll know he’s the better man for the job. All charlatans. All people not worth the time.

I’ve just dropped a lot of thoughts here, but the main message is that we should establish rules by which WE operate. No rules, no progress. No principles, no morals. In the end, no real objective or reason for living other than to exist becomes our stake in this world, causing disruptions wherever we go. That’s why principles are important. Not to make you weak, but to lend strength to your character. To make it clearer when you should walk away and when you should stand your ground. I want you, I want us, to have principles that do not defile those who do not defile us. I want us to incorporate in our set of principles two little items: respect and consideration. Both will take us a long way.

Real talk, shawty ro’ ro’.